Do you ever have those days where a heaviness takes hold of your chest and seems about to crush you? That feeling you get when you know there are things in your life that are causing you to stress, but when you look at them all individually they seem so little and insignificant?
I do.
And what is worse than the fact that those days exist at all is that I find myself constantly apologizing for them. More to myself than anyone else I think. I argue with my own feelings, trying to lecture them into submission by telling them that they don't matter. It doesn't matter that I struggle being a wife and a mother. It doesn't matter that Chris and I just made several huge changes in our lives. It doesn't matter that it's hard every single morning to send my husband off to work for 9 hours, or to find when he comes home that we're both so exhausted we're lucky if we can work up the energy to put the girls down. It doesn't matter that I've wondered several times if we all we're doing right now is making wrong decisions. Strong people do not complain. No, instead, I should be happy. I should count myself blessed. I shouldn't think of my life as hard because there are so many people who have it harder.
But not today. Today I choose to allow myself a bit of human weakness. Today I choose to admit to myself and to anyone else who asks, yes, my life has been hard over the past month and I am struggling. And what's more, I refuse to apologize for it. I refuse to blame it on hormones or make any other excuses. I refuse to see my own feelings as so inconsequential that I simply need to brush them aside, get a grip, and move on. All that I feel, right now, deserves recognition.
Now maybe I'll be able to start coping with one thing at a time.
4 comments:
Don't worry. You're not alone and are completely human. I know exactly what you mean completely in this post. Seriously, give me a call someday and maybe I can help cheer you up.
My brother Jeff and his wife Kira had a baby recently, only one of course, but he's had health problems, and I can sympathize with you completely having seen how dead-tired they are and how stressful it all is. My advice: live for the weekend. It's when Chris will be home to help you with the babies and you guys can watch Star Dust or Miss Potter or something.
I have been there many times! The weird thing is, someday you will miss these sweet days when it was just you and your babies at home. That's not much comfort now, I know, but just breathe and take each day, each hour as it comes. Love you!
Personally, I'm glad to hear you're human! I was starting to think you were a robot or something! I've been watching you guys in awe ever since you were prego with these sweet babies! It just seemed like no matter what happened, you guys were handling everything without even batting an eye.
I think you're pretty much totally amazing! Hang in there, it'll get better. Some days are just like that!
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